Hi, I don't really know how to explain how scared I am at the moment, I can't even sum up my feelings on what I am going to share with you.
Firstly, let me thank every one of you who reads this, even if you don't respond. I am a 21 year old man who is currently at university. I am fat, I am insecure about my looks etc.. and I am a virgin. (I know this isn't the greatest start to a post but I am so confused and honestly I am lay here typing this feeling very uneasy about the prospect of another day.)
All through my life, I have looked for someone to care for/about, I've always really wanted a girlfriend, someone who I can share things with and be intimate with, It would mean the world to me to have the chance of giving and recieving happiness. it's not that I have always been too shy to approach a girl but that I have never been given the chance. the first girl I every asked out was a girl at primary school, I remember it like it was yesterday... I really cared about her, we had been growing up together in the same class for three years when I had come to realise that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, so I asked her (as playground children do) whether she wanted to be my girlfriend and she said no. fair enough, I thought that I hadn't proven that I cared about her, so I decided to make her a card, I went home that night and made this amazing card, hand written, with stars and glitter glued to the front with a little love heart and her name (I never put my name on it), I spent the whole night making sure that it was just perfect... then next day, I took it to school and pushed it into her tray (I don't know whether you will know what I mean but every one of us in the class had a little tray with our names on it where we could put all of our work and our stationery etc..) just after dinner time, she found it.... my heart raced, I wondered about what she must have been thinking, I hoped that she would come over to me and accept (even though my name wasn't on it, I was the only one to ask her to be my girlfriend)..... but she didn't, she called the teacher over and the whole class gathered around to examine this 'love' letter.... the teacher asked who had written it and had the whole class waiting in anticipation until I admitted... everyone started laughing at me, and the girl I liked gave me a dirty look and turned away.. I was (for a seven year old) heart broken... so I didn't ask another girl out again.. I couldn't face the rejection and the ridicule of not only my peers but also the woman that I cared about...
two years later, the same happened with another girl, I asked her out, she said no so I wrote her a letter.. and she still said no but she was two years older than me so I let that go.
when I was 13, I became friends with a girl who lived virtually next door, she was flirty, smart, funny and brilliant... but alas, yet again she was all flirt, at this time I was 13 stone. she told me to my face that she would never consider going out with me.
fastforward to just after my 15th, I was in my last year of highschool... we had a prom for the end of the year, through the years of being lonely, I had eaten myself up to 18 stone... I hated myself and had no self esteem but there was this girl in my circle of friends who needed someone to go to the prom with, she was very coy about it so I accepted... we became better friends in the months leading up to the prom and I had started to like her as more than a friend, she would send me e-mails and we would chat online, we would go to pizza hut or bowling or to the cinema and we would have a good time as friends... then one day, we were out bowling and she asked me whether we were more than friends.. if there were any feelings on her side then she needn't have asked, there was no emotion in her voice when she asked and no expression to indicate whether this would be a good thing to her.. so I said no.. so we went to the prom and had a picture taken together... after the prom, GCSE's were over and she never made contact with me again.. not as a friend or anything.. so I got lonelier, being at the age when (at some point in my life) I should have had atleast one girlfriend.. (even the local vicar's son who was in my class had a girlfriend) so I carried on eating, stopped going out to see people, lost interest in friends, after all to someone who is that lonely, the realization when all of your friends pair up and go off together is quite a depressing thought especially for a (by then) 20 stone 16 year old man... so I thought %$*! it.. I played on being fat.. I matured to a certain extent, I got me a nice new pair of bollocks and worked my way up through the social ranks, eventually becoming deputy head boy in a college of 500.. I was still lonely but I had status to get me through.. I knew when I looked in the mirror that I was the problem, I was disgusting.. truly horrific.
by the time I had finished my a-levels, I was in a state, I had gone up to 25 stone, I was.... (there are no words of disgust to emphasize the contempt I had for myself) and as yet, no girlfriend unsuprisingly..
during my first year of university, I lost 2 stone.. but still no girlfriend, I had settled at 23 stone, all alone.. (I only lost the weight because I began spending all of my money on drink... I wouldn't eat for days at a time and when I did drink, I drank alone.. in the bar 10am till 11pm.. just on my own... then at the end of my first year, a light had come into my life... I went to university and my mom had to employ someone to take on my role in the family business... she employed this girl who was two years younger than me... and during those four months of the summer vacation, we got closer.. I could make her laugh better than I had ever made anyone laugh, she would ring me up, text me, facebook message me, ask me round her house for a coffee when she wasn't working and when she was working...cor..., she would sit on my lap during breaks, wrap her arms around me and hug me tightly... she flirted with me and my mind for months... and I fell deeper and deeper into the trap, I began to love her like I had never really loved anyone.. (my first true love)... we said it to each other jokingly 'I love you'... she breathed life into me, for those few months, I had the energy of 10 men, I felt like I could take on God and win. then it came time for me to go back to university and I really didn't want to go back, I really cared about her... I loved her more than anything, so I told her... she said that she thought of me as a brother.. a *%$+*#% brother. so I went what I would consider MAD... Whenever I would get upset or drunk, I would text her and tell her how much she meant to me, how much I cared about her, and slowly I made things worse.... and after a month or so she started ignoring my texts, began screaming and crying at me down the phone that she never wanted to speak to me again, that she regretted everything we had done together that she hated me.. so I wrote her a letter, it turned into an 18 page dossier about how I felt about her... I thought that giving her the information.. 100% honesty was all that I could do because no matter how hard I tried, I only made things worse.... I gave her the letter and it is the biggest regret I have.
instead of reading the letter and talking to me, she showed it to all of her family (who I knew well), her friends and all of my friends.... everyone was appalled but I couldn't see why telling a woman exactly what was in my heart was such a bad thing... honesty at all times is how I have always done things.. so then I got scared and humiliated, the deepest emotions that I have ever had about anyone, thrown around like they were worthless, I cracked up... I began walking around barefoot... jumping into the stream across the road.. staying up until stupid o'clock because I had developed insomnia, began each day for months in an unbreakable depression and contempt for myself, a hatred of who I was and a longing to die... where the %$*! are all the good women?
I spent the best part of a year in depression, I would self medicate with gin, weed and takeaways.. every night I would do this, I couldn't break out of it... one year after she had cone out of my life and I was still a mess, for three weeks, I toyed with the idea of suicide, I weighed up the pros and cons, treated myself like a bag of !@#@, set a date, got all the things that I needed... I wanted out, I had had enough.. surely the search for love shouldn't have been this hard... I was mentally exhausted and I failed my second year of university due to this.
luckily, part of me wanted to live and reached out... it reached out to friends of my family, I told them that I had set a date, I was going to kill myself and slowly over a matter of weeks, they talked me out of it....
it has been 18 months since I last had thoughts of suicide, I had to retake my second year, although sometimes I have a mad few hours where I go into a deep depression.. usually when I have been left on my own.... although I have now come down to 19 stone with fairly strict dieting.
Now... I have a bigger problem.. a MASSIVE problem.. I like a girl and she likes me... (100%), her dad told me that she likes me... and she is a daddy's girl... and I do care for her.. but I am so scared... I have never been this scared in my life, my heart sinks when she enters the room because neither of us talk to each other... we glance, sometimes say hello but we can be sat in the same room for hours and not say a thing... she has a boyfriend at the moment and although a relationship with her would be everything that I could ever hope for, I feel completely +%$$++.... I am that scared that I pray for her boyfriend to ask her to marry him so that I will be spared the scary part... all the women in my life that I've been messed around by, all the women who wouldn't even look at me and now that I finally find someone who does like me, I'm running for the hills... I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know what to expect and I am scared of not being good enough... I feel like the last apple on the shelf... I suppose I don't want to be rejected again.. I suppose I'm not really asking for advice, I am looking for a way out of getting what I have always wanted... and I hate myself for it..
I hate my mind and my emotions... if nothing ever happens between me and this girl, I will hang my bollocks up.. they can make this young bull into an ashtray at any time.
I don't think that I have expressed myself very well and I am sorry if you've read all the way through for it to get so pointless.
Firstly, let me thank every one of you who reads this, even if you don't respond. I am a 21 year old man who is currently at university. I am fat, I am insecure about my looks etc.. and I am a virgin. (I know this isn't the greatest start to a post but I am so confused and honestly I am lay here typing this feeling very uneasy about the prospect of another day.)
All through my life, I have looked for someone to care for/about, I've always really wanted a girlfriend, someone who I can share things with and be intimate with, It would mean the world to me to have the chance of giving and recieving happiness. it's not that I have always been too shy to approach a girl but that I have never been given the chance. the first girl I every asked out was a girl at primary school, I remember it like it was yesterday... I really cared about her, we had been growing up together in the same class for three years when I had come to realise that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, so I asked her (as playground children do) whether she wanted to be my girlfriend and she said no. fair enough, I thought that I hadn't proven that I cared about her, so I decided to make her a card, I went home that night and made this amazing card, hand written, with stars and glitter glued to the front with a little love heart and her name (I never put my name on it), I spent the whole night making sure that it was just perfect... then next day, I took it to school and pushed it into her tray (I don't know whether you will know what I mean but every one of us in the class had a little tray with our names on it where we could put all of our work and our stationery etc..) just after dinner time, she found it.... my heart raced, I wondered about what she must have been thinking, I hoped that she would come over to me and accept (even though my name wasn't on it, I was the only one to ask her to be my girlfriend)..... but she didn't, she called the teacher over and the whole class gathered around to examine this 'love' letter.... the teacher asked who had written it and had the whole class waiting in anticipation until I admitted... everyone started laughing at me, and the girl I liked gave me a dirty look and turned away.. I was (for a seven year old) heart broken... so I didn't ask another girl out again.. I couldn't face the rejection and the ridicule of not only my peers but also the woman that I cared about...
two years later, the same happened with another girl, I asked her out, she said no so I wrote her a letter.. and she still said no but she was two years older than me so I let that go.
when I was 13, I became friends with a girl who lived virtually next door, she was flirty, smart, funny and brilliant... but alas, yet again she was all flirt, at this time I was 13 stone. she told me to my face that she would never consider going out with me.
fastforward to just after my 15th, I was in my last year of highschool... we had a prom for the end of the year, through the years of being lonely, I had eaten myself up to 18 stone... I hated myself and had no self esteem but there was this girl in my circle of friends who needed someone to go to the prom with, she was very coy about it so I accepted... we became better friends in the months leading up to the prom and I had started to like her as more than a friend, she would send me e-mails and we would chat online, we would go to pizza hut or bowling or to the cinema and we would have a good time as friends... then one day, we were out bowling and she asked me whether we were more than friends.. if there were any feelings on her side then she needn't have asked, there was no emotion in her voice when she asked and no expression to indicate whether this would be a good thing to her.. so I said no.. so we went to the prom and had a picture taken together... after the prom, GCSE's were over and she never made contact with me again.. not as a friend or anything.. so I got lonelier, being at the age when (at some point in my life) I should have had atleast one girlfriend.. (even the local vicar's son who was in my class had a girlfriend) so I carried on eating, stopped going out to see people, lost interest in friends, after all to someone who is that lonely, the realization when all of your friends pair up and go off together is quite a depressing thought especially for a (by then) 20 stone 16 year old man... so I thought %$*! it.. I played on being fat.. I matured to a certain extent, I got me a nice new pair of bollocks and worked my way up through the social ranks, eventually becoming deputy head boy in a college of 500.. I was still lonely but I had status to get me through.. I knew when I looked in the mirror that I was the problem, I was disgusting.. truly horrific.
by the time I had finished my a-levels, I was in a state, I had gone up to 25 stone, I was.... (there are no words of disgust to emphasize the contempt I had for myself) and as yet, no girlfriend unsuprisingly..
during my first year of university, I lost 2 stone.. but still no girlfriend, I had settled at 23 stone, all alone.. (I only lost the weight because I began spending all of my money on drink... I wouldn't eat for days at a time and when I did drink, I drank alone.. in the bar 10am till 11pm.. just on my own... then at the end of my first year, a light had come into my life... I went to university and my mom had to employ someone to take on my role in the family business... she employed this girl who was two years younger than me... and during those four months of the summer vacation, we got closer.. I could make her laugh better than I had ever made anyone laugh, she would ring me up, text me, facebook message me, ask me round her house for a coffee when she wasn't working and when she was working...cor..., she would sit on my lap during breaks, wrap her arms around me and hug me tightly... she flirted with me and my mind for months... and I fell deeper and deeper into the trap, I began to love her like I had never really loved anyone.. (my first true love)... we said it to each other jokingly 'I love you'... she breathed life into me, for those few months, I had the energy of 10 men, I felt like I could take on God and win. then it came time for me to go back to university and I really didn't want to go back, I really cared about her... I loved her more than anything, so I told her... she said that she thought of me as a brother.. a *%$+*#% brother. so I went what I would consider MAD... Whenever I would get upset or drunk, I would text her and tell her how much she meant to me, how much I cared about her, and slowly I made things worse.... and after a month or so she started ignoring my texts, began screaming and crying at me down the phone that she never wanted to speak to me again, that she regretted everything we had done together that she hated me.. so I wrote her a letter, it turned into an 18 page dossier about how I felt about her... I thought that giving her the information.. 100% honesty was all that I could do because no matter how hard I tried, I only made things worse.... I gave her the letter and it is the biggest regret I have.
instead of reading the letter and talking to me, she showed it to all of her family (who I knew well), her friends and all of my friends.... everyone was appalled but I couldn't see why telling a woman exactly what was in my heart was such a bad thing... honesty at all times is how I have always done things.. so then I got scared and humiliated, the deepest emotions that I have ever had about anyone, thrown around like they were worthless, I cracked up... I began walking around barefoot... jumping into the stream across the road.. staying up until stupid o'clock because I had developed insomnia, began each day for months in an unbreakable depression and contempt for myself, a hatred of who I was and a longing to die... where the %$*! are all the good women?
I spent the best part of a year in depression, I would self medicate with gin, weed and takeaways.. every night I would do this, I couldn't break out of it... one year after she had cone out of my life and I was still a mess, for three weeks, I toyed with the idea of suicide, I weighed up the pros and cons, treated myself like a bag of !@#@, set a date, got all the things that I needed... I wanted out, I had had enough.. surely the search for love shouldn't have been this hard... I was mentally exhausted and I failed my second year of university due to this.
luckily, part of me wanted to live and reached out... it reached out to friends of my family, I told them that I had set a date, I was going to kill myself and slowly over a matter of weeks, they talked me out of it....
it has been 18 months since I last had thoughts of suicide, I had to retake my second year, although sometimes I have a mad few hours where I go into a deep depression.. usually when I have been left on my own.... although I have now come down to 19 stone with fairly strict dieting.
Now... I have a bigger problem.. a MASSIVE problem.. I like a girl and she likes me... (100%), her dad told me that she likes me... and she is a daddy's girl... and I do care for her.. but I am so scared... I have never been this scared in my life, my heart sinks when she enters the room because neither of us talk to each other... we glance, sometimes say hello but we can be sat in the same room for hours and not say a thing... she has a boyfriend at the moment and although a relationship with her would be everything that I could ever hope for, I feel completely +%$$++.... I am that scared that I pray for her boyfriend to ask her to marry him so that I will be spared the scary part... all the women in my life that I've been messed around by, all the women who wouldn't even look at me and now that I finally find someone who does like me, I'm running for the hills... I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know what to expect and I am scared of not being good enough... I feel like the last apple on the shelf... I suppose I don't want to be rejected again.. I suppose I'm not really asking for advice, I am looking for a way out of getting what I have always wanted... and I hate myself for it..
I hate my mind and my emotions... if nothing ever happens between me and this girl, I will hang my bollocks up.. they can make this young bull into an ashtray at any time.
I don't think that I have expressed myself very well and I am sorry if you've read all the way through for it to get so pointless.
