Dear Mimi,
Since my divorce, I have read much of your advice and have found it to be in sync with what I think. I have also previously read Christian Carter, Bob Grant, etc. etc....
Basically, I had a bad breakup in July, and met someone who had a bad breakup in August. Because I needed to get my head on straight, we didn't end up actually meeting until November when we went on our first date. he is patient and kind, and generous, and sweet and thoughtful. I did not have time to fall crazy in love with him, yet, it was more mature sort of respect on my part, and something i think that would have been deeper. I felt like a woman in his presence. There were no non-negotiables he violated for me in the short while we dated, except the behavior of one of his friends, which really wasn't him doing something, but rather allowing something. I think because he wasn't ready to commit.
Although I have never done it before, I slept with him in December (yes I know), because he said that he couldn't physically do that unless he were pursuing a relationship with someone and it was headed somewhere. Without giving you a TMI this appeared to be the case too, ahem. Unfortunately,the second to last time we were together it was the holidays and we both had too much to drink, and he had kept mentioning I sounded like I was falling in love and such. And THEN I said maybe i would if i slept with him many more times, and he said things were moving very fast and he was scared . He "didn't want to get hurt or hurt me" (he had said that probably five times ever since our first kiss).
We woke up a few hours later and he seemed to calm down and we talked for a couple of hours...the next time i saw him however he seemed cooled off, and said maybe we should stop seeing each other because he "wasn't there yet". I didn't really say anything i was kinda shocked because the last time at his suggestion we had kinda talked it out and he seemed calmed down, although he told me he is a bit of a flirt, somewhat moody, and high strung.
The next time we saw each other it was a little awkward (we didn't sleep together) and i told him that i agreed we should slow things down and take a step back and was done with casual sex unless i was in a committed relationship, that i understood if he didn't operate that way, to which he seemed to be relieved and like we were on the same page.
The next contact I had with him was via email when a female "friend" had more or less said it was only a matter of time before they had sex although she didn't use those words on his facebook wall- she is 26 and he is 44. She knew he and i were sleeping together, and he knew that my ex-boyfriend had inappropriate behavior with his female friends and that's why we broke up, so I was floored. He had also asked me to be honest with him if i ever slept with anyone else, because after we slept together a few times he freaked and said he wouldn't be physical with someone else but didn't know if he was ready for a relationship just yet.
so because it was late, instead of calling him I *very* nicely emailed and asked him if he was pursuing this female friend who came on to him. he responded with probably the nicest dear jane letter you could possible get, though it was pretentious, in the words of my best guy friend who basically told me everything would play out the way it did because he said this guy was decent, but immature and made me think he wanted a relationship when he didn't know what he wanted.
My last contact with him was to respond to him asking me what my good news was via email (i sent him the i agree with the breakup note) to tell him thank you for some compliments he gave me (i can tell he still really likes me, he signed it "XO") and to tell him he "has my digits"....
I've decided to only check facebook every few days to make him wonder about me and so he has to get in touch instead of reading my status updates. If/when he does contact me if it is via email should I arrange to meet with via email too? I will probably have to see him at his house because of the way he works and his custody schedule, so if he doesn't contact me again and the 60 days are up, do i just go have dinner at his work (he is a bartender). I don't want to be disrespectful, but he almost NEVER goes out. All of the advice book focus on calling or showing up where the man is, but he and I rarely communicated that way. And how can I tell if he is ready at that time to give up the disrespectful attention of other women who use him for attention and ego stroking and vice versa and just want to sabotage his chances at genuine happiness with someone else? I don't trust women like that, experience has taught me better, but I don't want to miss out on a good man because they make me lose my temper, either! I don't want to screw this up if I get a second chance.
Any advice is appreciated!
Thanks,
"holly"
Since my divorce, I have read much of your advice and have found it to be in sync with what I think. I have also previously read Christian Carter, Bob Grant, etc. etc....
Basically, I had a bad breakup in July, and met someone who had a bad breakup in August. Because I needed to get my head on straight, we didn't end up actually meeting until November when we went on our first date. he is patient and kind, and generous, and sweet and thoughtful. I did not have time to fall crazy in love with him, yet, it was more mature sort of respect on my part, and something i think that would have been deeper. I felt like a woman in his presence. There were no non-negotiables he violated for me in the short while we dated, except the behavior of one of his friends, which really wasn't him doing something, but rather allowing something. I think because he wasn't ready to commit.
Although I have never done it before, I slept with him in December (yes I know), because he said that he couldn't physically do that unless he were pursuing a relationship with someone and it was headed somewhere. Without giving you a TMI this appeared to be the case too, ahem. Unfortunately,the second to last time we were together it was the holidays and we both had too much to drink, and he had kept mentioning I sounded like I was falling in love and such. And THEN I said maybe i would if i slept with him many more times, and he said things were moving very fast and he was scared . He "didn't want to get hurt or hurt me" (he had said that probably five times ever since our first kiss).
We woke up a few hours later and he seemed to calm down and we talked for a couple of hours...the next time i saw him however he seemed cooled off, and said maybe we should stop seeing each other because he "wasn't there yet". I didn't really say anything i was kinda shocked because the last time at his suggestion we had kinda talked it out and he seemed calmed down, although he told me he is a bit of a flirt, somewhat moody, and high strung.
The next time we saw each other it was a little awkward (we didn't sleep together) and i told him that i agreed we should slow things down and take a step back and was done with casual sex unless i was in a committed relationship, that i understood if he didn't operate that way, to which he seemed to be relieved and like we were on the same page.
The next contact I had with him was via email when a female "friend" had more or less said it was only a matter of time before they had sex although she didn't use those words on his facebook wall- she is 26 and he is 44. She knew he and i were sleeping together, and he knew that my ex-boyfriend had inappropriate behavior with his female friends and that's why we broke up, so I was floored. He had also asked me to be honest with him if i ever slept with anyone else, because after we slept together a few times he freaked and said he wouldn't be physical with someone else but didn't know if he was ready for a relationship just yet.
so because it was late, instead of calling him I *very* nicely emailed and asked him if he was pursuing this female friend who came on to him. he responded with probably the nicest dear jane letter you could possible get, though it was pretentious, in the words of my best guy friend who basically told me everything would play out the way it did because he said this guy was decent, but immature and made me think he wanted a relationship when he didn't know what he wanted.
My last contact with him was to respond to him asking me what my good news was via email (i sent him the i agree with the breakup note) to tell him thank you for some compliments he gave me (i can tell he still really likes me, he signed it "XO") and to tell him he "has my digits"....
I've decided to only check facebook every few days to make him wonder about me and so he has to get in touch instead of reading my status updates. If/when he does contact me if it is via email should I arrange to meet with via email too? I will probably have to see him at his house because of the way he works and his custody schedule, so if he doesn't contact me again and the 60 days are up, do i just go have dinner at his work (he is a bartender). I don't want to be disrespectful, but he almost NEVER goes out. All of the advice book focus on calling or showing up where the man is, but he and I rarely communicated that way. And how can I tell if he is ready at that time to give up the disrespectful attention of other women who use him for attention and ego stroking and vice versa and just want to sabotage his chances at genuine happiness with someone else? I don't trust women like that, experience has taught me better, but I don't want to miss out on a good man because they make me lose my temper, either! I don't want to screw this up if I get a second chance.
Any advice is appreciated!
Thanks,
"holly"
